Where’s My Freedom?

Posted: 10/2/2013

My name is Joelle. I am 15 years old and i’m from Hawaii. You would usually think that bullying only exists in big cities up in the mainland. Well you’re wrong.

Me and best friend have been friends forever. We did everything together. There was never a day that you would see us apart, until last week. Her and her boyfriend have been on and off for a while. He’s cheated on her multiple times, and lets just say i didn’t like the way he kept treating her. They broke up one day, and of course, as a best friend would... i was there for her, wiping every tear, giving her advice. Its been 3 weeks since then. Then one day she told me she had to tell me something. She was back with him. I instantly got irritated because i knew things that she didnt, but how could i possibly tell her without breaking her heart. He had hooked up with multiple girls while they weren't together. I had to leave the room to cool down. I wasn't mad at her, i was mad the situation. She deserved better. Someone who would treat her right. We didn’t talk for the rest of the day.

The next day, i built enough courage to talk to her and come clean, tell her how i felt. I told her everything, and that i supported her, but not the relationship. I knew he was just going to hurt her again. We hugged and from i thought....we had cleared everything up. I was wrong. At the end of the day, my other best friend comes up to me and tells me that the other girl was talking crap about me behind my back to her and spreading rumors about me and my boyfriend saying he was yelling and swearing at her and saying that i said things that were never said in reality. I went from thinking i had 5 best friends who would never leave my side, to only having 2 friends from that group and 1 from another....out of everyone. I feel so alone. You would think a good friend is someone who has your back no matter what.... well unfortuantly i got stabbed in my own while trying to protect a friend :(

One day, i walked in to breakfast, and she had a whole group of friends with her, so i sat by myself, and my friend was trying to defend me to her....and all they did was yell at her and tell her she was wrong. These were people from other cliques in school also. That girl i thought was my best friend told people in school things that weren’t true in school to make me look bad. I got home one night to see comments being made about me on twitter. Her cousin and herself were talking about me on twitter saying rude comments... calling me fake, telling me karma will bite me in the ass. I was hurt, betrayed.

The numbness takes over for a little... but then disappears while you’re distracting yourself and try to forget about it, but then reality hits you. Her boyfriend messaged me snapping and yelling at me, saying its my fault. its my fault even though i’m the one being victimized ! :( People tell you that you have to be strong, and just ignore it, because you know the truth and that's all that matters, but that’s where they're wrong. Something like that can just push you over the edge and you never want to get back up. I thought many suicidal thoughts through out that time. Asking God, “Why am i still here? I don’t want to be here anymore.” Constantly crying, not wanting to move from my bed. Not wanting to do anything in general..just waiting. During one night, me and my boyfriend and couple friends went out the the County Fair. Turns our, her boyfriend was there. He was glaring at me. I tried to hold in all the tears, but while doing that, i ended up getting anxiety. I suddenly got nauseous and we had to leave. My boyfriend thought maybe if i ate something it would help. We tried, i ate one thing and didn't want the rest. I had to sleep it off. But the truth is, depression doesn't just leave you when you sleep...it comes back. It comes back during your darkest days and just drags you down to the center of the core of the earth. You don’t know how to act or feel. You can't think straight, your emotions just take over you. You start to lose yourself.

Sadly, i haven’t overcome it yet. I'm still in that phase. Time will only tell. I know people say, stick with your true friends... but how can you tell if they’re true or not? Look at my situation... you really don't have anyone but yourself to lean on, and that’s the hardest part of it all. For anyone who’s getting bullied, just know you're not alone. Prove them all wrong. That's what I’m trying to do.

And to those BULLIES out there, why does hurting someone make you feel so good? Why does seeing someone cry and bleed their soul out, make you feel like you’ve just won a lottery? It’s not right. Were all just human beings. Yeah sure, its freedom of speech, but to the person you’re affecting... its like you’re ripping their freedom right out of their own hands. They feel trapped, and it hurts. it really does.

Still figuring her path,
Joelle

By: Joelle