I Don't Think I Can Ever Go Back

Posted: 12/30/2011

I know people say that words shouldn't hurt you and that words can't hurt. But in reality. They do. Bullying has always been an interesting topic to me... It's one of those topics that you think, "OH, NO. THAT'LL NEVER HAPPEN TO ME.", but in reality, it is happening to you. Even if you and your friends are just joking around, it's not nice to call someone out of their name or call them ugly. This story, my story, is about being the bully and the victim.

When I was younger. I use to get bullied a lot. I didn't realize it was bullying. I used to be so sensitive. Whenever someone would say something about me, I'd cry... and it'd stay on my mind all day. I used to get called ugly, too skinny, a cry baby, and so many other things... But I was younger, so of course it hurt me.

As I got older, I learned the definition of bullying. What bullying is. 4th & 5th grade were the years where the bullying kind of intense. I was called ugly a lot. I was still being called a "cry baby" even though I didn't cry or tell. I kept my feelings bottled up. I remember one day after school when I was in 5th grade there was this girl named Trinity. She was rude. She expected everybody to like her and she acted like just she was the boss. Top notch. She said something to me that just fully set me off. I said some really mean things to her and my classmates were laughing. She was saying some mean things too but I guess they were tired of hearing the same old things from her. We both got suspended from after school because it got to the point where we were threatening each other. I was so sick of everybody's bs, that I actually let what she said get to me. In 6th grade, her and I fought a lot. I knew I was better off not being her friend but the fact that she just kept assuming we were friends affected me. She transferred. She doesn't go to my school anymore.

In 6th grade, my insecurities started to manifest me. It got to the point where I would push people away. I liked a guy. He was real cool and all even though he was a player. He was one of my closest friends. He still is actually. But I said some pretty mean things to him that I regret. When he started to like me, I pushed him away. Then he went on to dating both of my best friends causing our relationships to fall apart. But now we're all good friends. We're closer than we were before. But I don't think he'll ever understand that what I said to him, I didn't mean. Now we're cool with each other, nice to each other, and honest with each other. No we're not in a relationship. We're just friends. He's the only thing keeping me simmered down right now. 

I use to consider cutting. Then when I got to 7th grade, I did exactly that. The pressure of everyone pushed me off the first cliff. I decided to look up self-harm. I already knew what it was. But I discovered that self-harm comes in more than one form. It can be hair pulling, scab picking, cutting, and so many other things. Those three forms of self harm, are the ones that I do.

I look up to Demi Lovato. She's been through a lot. Every time I watch an interview or a video that someone took at one of her concerts, I realize how amazing she is. She is my role model. She is a great role model. She even said herself that she doesn't want girls growing up looking up to a model type figure because that's what she looked up to and that's how she wanted to look. She tells everybody that they're perfect the way they are, no matter what.

I believe I'm bipolar. I know that I'm bipolar... and I'm only this way because of the things that were said and done to me. But, all of it made me the person than I am today. So the lesson here, even though it doesn't seem like it, is think before you speak. Words hurt. Words affect. Words kill. Words are what killed the girl I use to be . . . and I don't think I can ever go back to that little girl who was always happy.

By: Anieya