Never Give Up

Posted: 5/10/2011

Hey! My name is Laura and I live in Rochester MN. To anyone walking down the halls I look like a normal 15 year-old teenager, but I have a very deep secret. I am a victim of bullying. It all started when i was a 12 year-old in 6th grade. It just started with rumors and giggling from my peers. In 7th grade it escalated to one girl in particular coming up to me and screaming at me to make a scene. The other kids just laughed when I sat there and cried. I would not go to lunch because of the fear I might be targeted. I never told anyone the first 2 years. In 8th grade, it escalated again. It was boys this time staring rumors and saying things to my friends to make me look like a bad guy. We have this one assignment thing in English called a journal. It is nothing of importance, and then one day we had to turn them in for credit, and I always write in the margins of my notebooks about everything. One thing my teacher saw was... "I am being bullied and it is draining me emotionally and physically." I did not think much of it at the time because when I do that so much it does not even occur to me. It was written very small but the teacher still saw it. When she was handing the notebooks back, she did not give mine back. I wondered why. Then at the end of class she said "Laura I have to talk to you." I did not know what was going to happen. Then she pulled out my journal to the page that it said that, and said "Can we talk about this?" I had no idea that was what she was going to bring up. Since I was so stunned when she did that I just said everything was okay and that was that. We both knew that, that was not the truth though because when she did that I was trying so hard not to cry but I still had the tears in my eyes. I later emailed her telling her all about it. She took it very seriously and told the principals and everything. They boy got punished and that was that.

Until I entered high school... I would have never thought that my freshman year would be the worst of them all. The bullying started right away in high school, with a group of about 8 boys that I barely knew, I just knew who they were. At first it was just them saying stuff like, "You suck at life hardcore", or "you have no heart, you fatass.", but it soon escalated to them saying worse stuff. One thing they said that I will never forget is.. "Go commit suicide by gargling with motor oil, and then swallowing a match so you will blow up and no one will have to worry about you anymore, it would be beneficial for everyone."

That absolutely killed me. I mean what human being says that to one another? And that was when I became depressed.

I told my mom what was being said and she called the school without me knowing, and that next monday I got called down to the office. I was so scared because I am not a "bad girl" so I was never called down there before. I soon figured out what my mom had done. I never hated or resented her for it, but i sure did not appreciate what she did. Now I understand though and it was the best thing she could have done.

The administrative assistant talked to the kids doing it, and it stopped for a good month. Then it became worse, there was a new ring leader. I was isolated and not reporting the incidents at this point because I was terrified what would happen next if I did. I just kept to myself. Then, I was pushed down the stairs and shoved into lockers, and I did come home with bruises. I was still scared to tell the school. But, I left band class crying one day, and I did not see my friend coming after me and she was asking if I was okay, but I blurted out.. "NO! I hate this school so much, I just want to leave!!" I left the band hall, and I sat in the hallway crying. She put her arms around me and told me everything would be okay, and so did one of my good senior guy friends. I went to the bathroom to get some tissue since I was crying, and just my luck I ran into the administrative assistant, but I kept walking into the bathroom, and since he was a guy he went and got my counselor- since i had been talking to her about it- and told her to check on me. I did not know this was set up. But i left the bathroom before she came in. I had to go in the bathroom again though to get some tissues and I ran into her. She asked if everything was okay, but I just walked away, and then she followed me into the band area and asked if I had a minute but i just flat out said no. She ended up calling my mom. For the rest of the band period I just sat in a corner crying because I did not know what to do since I was so scared. Once band was over, one of my brothers friends got my brother. He came over and so did my very good friend. They were telling me how I had to tell the school so they could take care of this terrible problem. I was being very stubborn and would not go with them. After about 15 minutes of negotiating, they finally forcibly got me to my feet. I was trying to convince them I was okay at that point because the last thing I wanted to do was tell the school only to be disappointed once again. We went down to where his office is and the secretaries said he was in the lunchroom. I took that in a good way because I thought I would not have to talk to him anymore. Instead my brother went to get him while me and my other friend waited. Once I saw him I started freaking out and trying to go away but I couldn't because my friend was holding my hand. When he came over he said that I need to go to his office and I said I was fine and I did not want to. But he doesn't take no for an answer and had my brother and my friend escort me down and he said he would be in there as soon as possible. When he said that I knew that he was going to get the counselor and at that time we were in a fight and I had been refusing to talk to her that last month. Once he came in there with the counselor following I was made very uncomfortable. She left and so did the administrator. He had one other thing to deal with before me, but I didn't care. After about 20 minutes waiting he came in, and said "So Laura why were you crying?", and I said that I didn't know. I was so scared. My friend said to act like I am talking to her and tell him exactly what I told her had been going on. I did. I made my brother to leave for a little bit because I didn't want him hearing some of the stuff. Then, I had him come back in, and the administrator made me go down to talk to the counselor. I guess he wanted to talk to my friend and my brother alone. So I went down and talked to her for another hour. Then I left. I was totally numb and had no emotion left in me by then. I honestly just wanted to curl up in a ball, go to sleep, and never wake up again. The administrator took it seriously but did not believe me because we had no hard core evidence. And that was what I was afraid of. 

This last incident happened on April 14, 2011. So it was not very long ago. I have not been going to the school for anything anymore because I don't want to be disappointed. I now go to a therapist to work with skills though. I am diagnosed with depression. I also cut. I want to do something about bullying for other kids. I know what it feels like and I would never wish -even my worst enemy- to go through what I did and still do everyday. From the things that were said and done to me, I have suffered mental illness. I want to reach out to other young adults in my community that are going through the same thing that I did. I want to make a difference. It may take a while but never give up. Tell a parent, I know what it feels like to be scared to be judged by them but they only want the best. You deserve to be treated like everyone else. 

By: Laura