60-second answer
Merriam-Webster dictionary defines teasing as, “Making fun of or disturbing or annoying with persistent irritating or provoking behavior, especially in a petty or mischievous way.” Many children participate in teasing, both as the one exhibiting the behavior and the one being teased. Teasing, in and of itself, is not considered bullying. However, when the behavior meets distinguishing hallmarks, including no longer being fun or funny to the intended target, causing emotional distress, being repeated, or continuing despite the target’s desire for it to stop, it then reaches the level of bullying. When a child is on a team in which the coach or teammates view bullying behavior as “just teasing” or dismiss it as “kids being kids,” parents should first ensure that their child feels supported, and next address the concern directly with the coach or adult leaders by examining how the culture of teasing impacts team members.
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“Come on, can’t you take a joke? We’re just having fun!”
“My daughter is called names and mocked for her abilities on the softball team. The coach says that teammates tease each other all the time, they all participate, they are just joking around, and the teasing is no big deal. I believe the hurtful remarks and behavior are intentional, targeted at certain teammates, and what gets dismissed as ‘just teasing’ is actually bullying.”
Merriam-Webster dictionary defines teasing as, “Making fun of or disturbing or annoying with persistent irritating or provoking behavior, especially in a petty or mischievous way.” Teasing, in and of itself, is not considered bullying. Many children participate in teasing, both as the one exhibiting the behavior and the one being teased. Yet, even teasing that starts as good natured is often focused on differences. In a team environment, teasing someone for their differences often leads to them being excluded or shamed, which has the potential to evolve into bullying. Teasing becomes bullying when the behavior meets certain hallmarks of bullying, including being no longer fun or funny to the intended target, causing emotional distress, being repeated, or continuing despite the target’s desire for the behavior to stop. When a child is on a team in which the coach or teammates view bullying behavior as “just teasing” or dismiss it as “kids being kids,” parents should first ensure that their child feels supported, and next address the concern directly with the coach or adult leaders by examining how the culture of teasing impacts team members.
Support Your Child
If your child feels bullied, it is important to be supportive of them and keep the lines of communication open. It’s also important to understand that it can be difficult for youth to talk about bullying for many reasons. They could be embarrassed about what’s happening, afraid of retaliation, worried that a parent could make matters worse, or feeling as if nobody cares. Adults should listen to the child’s story respectfully, acknowledge their feelings, tell them that nobody should be bullied, and emphasize that they are not alone. This is the first step in helping your child feel valued and letting them know you are there for them.
Keep in mind that this is an emotional time for both you and your child. Asking your child open- ended questions about the situation allows them to tell their own story and express their feelings about the experience.
Questions like these can help:
- “Can you help me understand what happened?”
- “Can you tell me more about how this made you feel?”
- “Has it happened more than once?
- “Has it become worse?”
- “Is there anything you have already tried to stop the bullying?”
- “Would you feel comfortable talking with the coach about how you feel?”
- “What are your ideas to improve the situation and how can I help?
Student Action Plan Against Bullying
It is always important to involve your child in the solution. This can be achieved by helping your child fill out the Student Action Plan Against Bullying. This guide helps a student think through the bullying situation and determine potential ways to change what is happening to them. This information helps prepare both parent and child for a conversation with any adult in a position of authority on the team. For parents looking for additional insight, read through the Parent’s and Educator’s Guide to Using the Plan.
Tips for Speaking with the Coach
Know your rights
If your child is part of a club sport or community organization team, research the code of conduct or the organization’s policy. This information will help you know what your rights are, such as reporting, investigation, and consequences, which will help guide the conversation.
If your child is on a school-sponsored team, schools typically have a policy that addresses bullying; in most states, schools are required by state law to have one. Policies are generally included in the school handbook or on the website. If you are unable to locate the policy, contact your child’s principal or school counselor. While every school’s bullying prevention policy may be different, most are typically designed to protect students from bullying and give schools and families a roadmap for handling bullying situations.
Guide the conversation
When speaking with the coach, it may be important to help them understand the difference between teasing and bullying, between the perception of “just having fun” and the negative impact it may have on individual members.
The impact of the hurtful behavior on the student athlete is what is important, not the intent of the action.
Consider these points
- Is the coach or are members of the team aware that there is a child who feels uncomfortable and that the behavior is hurtful?
- Is there a pattern of behavior on the team in which the coach dismisses teasing, hazing, or bullying because there is a common notion that “athletes should be tough” and teasing is expected?
- Would the coach be willing to model a team culture that is positive, mutually supportive, and encouraging?
Use these conversation starters
- I have concerns about how teammates are treating each other
- I thought you would want to know that there is some hurtful teasing happening on the field or on the court
- Are you aware that there is some teasing occurring among teammates and my child feels bullied by the behavior?
What to expect in response
When a coach hears from a parent who is concerned about the treatment their child is receiving on the team, ideally, the coach should recognize the seriousness of the concern and take respectful action. For example, positive responses include holding a healthy team discussion on core values; detailing behaviors that are not acceptable; promoting the values of kindness, acceptance, and inclusion; and modeling behaviors that support a positive team culture.
Take these next steps
- Decide what actions will be taken and who is responsible for addressing them
- Document what was discussed
- Send a follow-up thank you email to the coach or adults involved and reiterate what was discussed and who is responsible for implementing the next steps
- Check back in with your child and the coach on a regular basis to determine progress
When your concerns aren’t addressed
If the coach decides no action is needed or says that teasing and bullying are a means to enhance a competitive environment and toughen kids up to play better, then additional steps should be taken. This would be the appropriate time to speak with the school athletic director or club manager or file a report with the school or sports organization. If these steps are necessary, document the bullying behavior and all communication with the coaching staff regarding the behavior.
Team culture matters
As a parent, we envision our child’s team sport experience as one of camaraderie, team spirit, and shared learning through triumphs and setbacks. When a child feels bullied, there can be a real sense of disappointment and hurt. When this happens, it’s important to support the child through this process, listen to their story, ask them open-ended questions about their experience, and involve them in the process of resolving the issue. Having an adult work alongside a child who feels bullied shows the child that they are not alone and also helps them learn self-advocacy. In addition, knowing your rights, speaking with the coach to address the issue collaboratively, and, if needed, taking communication to the next level to resolve the situation are all actions you can take as a parent that model appropriate responses to problem-solving through education and communication.
Posted February, 2021
